A couple of weeks ago The New York Times came out with an article about “elite” Korean schools which groom their students to enter Ivy League universities.
Reading the following passage made me reminisce about my high school alma mater, which with its reputation and demanding curriculum, such stories are not unusual at all:
One graduate was Kim Soo-yeon, 19, who was accepted by Princeton this month. Daewon parents tend to be wealthy doctors, lawyers or university professors. Ms. Kim’s father is a top official in the Korean Olympic Committee.
Ms. Kim developed fierce study habits early, watching her mother scold her older sister for receiving any score less than 100 on tests. Even a 98 or a 99 brought a tongue-lashing.
“Most Korean mothers want their children to get 100 on all the tests in all the subjects,” Ms. Kim’s mother said. [The New York Times, emphasis mine]
I also had a batchmate who would freak out and weep when he got 99/100 in quizzes. He supposedly got beatings from his parents from such scores. It’s toll on the guy was obvious: he was socially inept. And by inept, I do not just mean that he’s a dork: by inept, I mean that, at 14 or 15 years old, he exhibited the emotional maturity of a 9 year old.
I’m not kidding, nor do I mean it in a degrading nor insulting way — he genuinely exhibited the emotional maturity of a 9 year old. While a lot of people was dealing with their adolescence hormones (although many, who are similar to him, are not), dealing with their relationships with the opposite sex, this guy was drooling (literally) in front of his Game Boy trying to finish The Legend of Zelda. He acted in this weird, comical way, as though he was always acting out a skit from some sort of cartoon. He wrote in the school paper, but his material never went beyond echoing the preachings of parents who made sure that their little boy behaved properly.
And all of that to satisfy the whims of parents who determined from day one that they will measure their child’s worth through the name of the school he went to, and through the numeric scribbles of some stranger on a thickened piece of paper.
While I agree that honing the talents of a gifted child is necessary so that talent does not go to waste, I believe that elevating perfection to some sort of sadistic standard and measuring a child’s worth through their adherence to that standard is pure and unadulterated child abuse. Indeed, many of us from that school, myself included, reached a point during our college years where we just burnt up, bombed out, and got disillusioned by the meaning of all the numbers ruling our lives, despite the absence of pressure from our parents at the time. It was simply expected of us because we came from that school.
It was tough being unable to distinguish one’s self worth from that stigma, the label of being a graduate of an elite school. Many people, upon learning that you’ve come from that school, immediately expect you to be some kind of superhuman or ubergenius; a person who is expected to be “successful” by excelling in all aspects of life, especially in academics and, years later, in a career. It’s as if failure is not an option.
I deeply appreciate my parents for not burdening me with the kinds of expectations some of my batch mates had to go through.
I am not discouraging people from sending their children to Philippine Science High School, or to any other science high school, or for aspiring for entry into Ivy League schools for that matter. Neither do I regret going to Pisay, because the challenges there certainly made me a stronger, more resilient, and more reflective person.
However, fourteen years’ worth of hindsight makes the repercussions of a high-pressure academic environment much, much clearer. Now that I am also a parent, at least the effort becomes more conscious: never ever make your child feel that they are only worth the grades they get. Being in an elite school is hard enough — lowering their self esteem will only make it worse.
They will thank you for it when you get older.
26 responses so far ↓
1 Marlon Ribunal // May 14, 2008 at 8:35 am
Sometimes it’s hard to strike the balance between IQ and EQ.
To achieve a milestone along the way of seeking perfection is a good thing. To seek perfection along the way of achieving a milestone brings one imbalance.
Some people are studying hard to achive perfect scores. For me, achieving a perfect score is just an accident. Learning process has nothing to do with scores.
A townmate of mine made it to the West Point Academy (http://www.usma.edu/). No, he did not spend his elementary days in Ateneo. He came from a rural area, an almost burried in oblivion town, in Cagayan Valley. He did not have a super set of Parents (both are small time farmers).
Some kids are fortunate enough to have been provided with priveleges while most are not as fortunate. The problem is on the “distribution of resources.” The “priveledged” kids tend to have more (more books, more teachers, more of this, more of that, and what not). This is the Politics of Distribution that plunders the have-nots of opportunities they are entitled with in the first place.
2 icy // May 14, 2008 at 9:39 am
Wow, this reminds me of my childhood but on the opposite side - barkada, addicted, slacking around, drop-out, etc… I barely graduated in high school, imagine that.
I suffered a lot when I went to college and felt how its like to go without learning as much in high school… I dropped-out in college, failed almost all of my subjects, transfered from one school to another and to another school.
I just felt how important it is to study hard while you are in elementary and high school. I chose “barkada” over education, and now I am shouldering all the loss I had.
If I could return to the future, I would probably study harder back in high school.
Fortunately, I got my last chance here in Canada to finish college and did more than possibly I could to catch-up.
What I’m trying to say is that while you are young, do the best you can to educate yourself as much as possible because you will suffer a lot if you don’t.
On the other hand, I agree with you that forcing your child to be ubergenius is a total abuse.
3 Andre // May 14, 2008 at 11:55 am
so jon, what happened to your batchmate? it would be interesting to find out if he finally matured or what.
4 Jon Limjap // May 14, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Marlon,
Great for your townmate. So, nasaan na siya ngayon?
Well, there are a few things that one has to consider when it comes to the distribution of privileges.
One, there are kids who deserve those privileges, whether or not they come from an impoverished family. It will be simply irresponsible to ignore the needs and not merit the existence of genius simply because the child belongs to the upper echelons of society. It is not a child’s fault if they are born rich or poor; that is a totally random circumstance from a pragmatic, genetic perspective.
On the other hand, not all impoverished people deserve those privileges. Sure they should be given a chance to prove themselves, but if they should waste that chance I don’t think it would be worth given to them again.
I remember a person I know who lost his father at an early age. Because there were 5 of them in the family, his mother couldn’t afford to send him to college. Not knowing what he wants to do with his life, an aunt sent him to nursing school. After he graduated, he took the board exams, but alas he was part of that ominous batch 2006.
So he waited. And waited, and waited, wasting his days away playing NBA Live or Mu Online or whatever he could find on his brother’s computer shop — even after he passed the board exams on the retake. His excuse was that he was “reviewing” for the NCLEX, an exam still funded by the aunt. It was only recently that he got a job as a nurse in a local hospital, finally realizing that it will take a while before he could fly to the US.
That’s an example of a person who was given all the opportunities but took it for granted. So in my opinion, the ability to value those opportunities should weigh in the the decision to give an impoverished person such opportunities or not.
5 ifoundme // May 14, 2008 at 1:11 pm
kids are still kids because they should be playing during their spare time and should not be forced to be the perfect person that their parents want them to be. that’s abuse, you know.
6 Jon Limjap // May 14, 2008 at 1:14 pm
icy,
I guess the lesson here is the word balance. A balance between academics and social growth of children and adolescents must be achieved — lacking in either aspect will have serious, potentially damaging repercussions on one’s life.
One thing I have always thought about though: many local college teachers (especially philosophy teachers!) complain that when our students hit their classes, they are often too young and immature. Unlike abroad where they start college at the age of 18, at the earliest, and it is quite common for Westerners to start college between the ages of 20 and 24, 16 year olds simply do not have the maturity to weather esoteric topics like philosophy.
So educating one’s self while one is young should really correspond to whether one is mature enough for serious study.
7 Jon Limjap // May 14, 2008 at 1:21 pm
ifoundme,
Precisely my point,
andre,
We’re not sure. He was never close enough to anyone to keep in touch with us. He did graduate though, but not with honors. I think his parents gave in to the fact that it’s next to impossible to ace Pisay, unless you really had a genius.
Genius really can’t be forced.
8 ifoundme // May 15, 2008 at 10:37 am
big mango told me that you were once one of “lost dream’s” people. i was also once the “queen” (self claimed) of the “lost dream” sayang! di tayo nagkaabot. just ask big mango about it.
9 Lester Cavestany // May 15, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Some parents push their children because of their own “frustrations” in life. May mga magulang na hindi nakapag-aral at nahirapan sila sa buhay. Kaya ang sumpa nila sa kanilang sarili ay ang mapag-aral ang kanilang anak sa pinakamagaling na paaralan at ang paghikayat sa kanilang mga anak na mag-aral mabuti.
I’m not defending them, of course. At some point, we need to strike a balance. I think your kids will benefit from the balance you want in their upbringing.
10 Jon Limjap // May 15, 2008 at 6:08 pm
ifoundme,
I’d ask cocoy about it
Lester,
Another thing I see is the “child-as-projection-of-self” syndrome, e.g., parents who use their children to redeem their past.
Ang rami talagang implications kapag may emotional baggage ang isang magulang bilang tao; unfortunately it’s way easier to reproduce offspring than to become mature enough to handle them properly.
11 ed villanueva // May 16, 2008 at 10:36 pm
Im a Filipino married to a Korean and we have a son who is on his 6th grade in elementary,and the exerpt in your article on new york times about korean students are really damn true,when my son got a grade lower than 95% in his math,english and science his mother tongue lashed him, she sent him to expensive private tutoring schools to improve his standing and he is forced to study till late night(12mn or 1am) 7X a week,and that is normal here.Most parents spent a third of their income for their children private tutoring and some mother even work part time in a restaurant to pay for this.Well last year I have enough of this, so I sent my son to study in Philippines and stays with his grandparents in Baguio,he is doing perfectly fine in his new school,but as usual when he gets 5 mistakes in a 100 point test,we threatened him to return here in Korea to study.I know we are too much but here in Korea students are very competitive and if he is to survive here he should study harder.This coming school year his tutor in math,english and science is already lined up so as the additional expenses arrrh….
12 Eugene // May 18, 2008 at 8:09 am
I wonder if parents like this can be charged with child abuse?
13 Cathy // May 18, 2008 at 9:21 pm
my brod is also a graduate of PSHS. he’s normal naman.so is my elder brod who was the first in the family to pass the pshs entrance. ang hindi normal yong kapatid kong graduate ng psychology sa admu. nasobrahan yata ng psycho. hehehe saka pala ako.
i think what drove us to study harder and work for scholarships was the sad truth that my mom as a single parent could not afford to send us to school.
and of course there was always this reminder that our mom was a consistent valedictorian from elementary to high school. either it gave us a challenge or a boost knowing that we are genetically equipped for academic pursuit of excellence.
14 Jon Limjap // May 19, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Ed,
Hmmm, you know it made me think, does it have something to do with the fact na kahit na college graduate ang isang Koreano, they end up having menial jobs?
Eugene,
I honestly do not know if a case can be built against such parents
Cat,
Magkaiba ang internal saka external motivation. Sa inyong magkakapatid it seems that it was all internal self-motivation. Hindi naman ata kayo pinuwersa ng nanay niyo na mag-excel, although I acknowledge na may pressure pa rin due to the stigma of your mom being consistent valedictorian.
Sa amin magkapatid, ang sister ko ang napressure ng husto dahil sa achievements at position ng nanay namin. She had academic difficulties, and some people questioned why that is the case when my mother was a salutatorian/valedictorian/summa cum laude + administrator in a prestigious univ. Ironically, between the two of us, she was the one who did finish college with her scholarship intact. I botched mine by the end of my 2nd year.
15 The Ca t // May 19, 2008 at 6:22 pm
I agree with you. The pressure also comes from the siblings’ academic achievements.
In the family, I am just like your sister.
While my brothers and sisters were graduating valedictorians and salutatorians, I almost flunked in Grade 2. hehehe. The friends of the family asked my mother if I were “ampon” or not. My mom never bothered to look at my report cards anymore. Na hahighblood. She was often invited by the Guidance Counsellor because of my misbehavior. I married when I was a teen and tween and almost did not finish College.
My mom disowned me. Telenovela diba. But guess who who finished post graduate studies first?
My mom had only one thought about me. I can survive adverse fortune which could have sent my other siblings to succumb to breakdown if she was not there to lend moral support.
IQ may be genetic but the EQ could have been contributed more by the environment.
16 ed villanueva // May 19, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Jon,Actually it is something to do with your status in life and in choosing a husband or wife.Korea is a pack societyits like” kami kami sila sila” attitude. If you are a Doctor the circle of your friend should also be a doctors and of the same school and age,an Engineer with engineers,teachers with teachers and so on “,no outsiders”,andfor one to deserve respect you must elevate your status,and the only way is to have a good educational background and a good school.
17 Jon Limjap // May 19, 2008 at 7:13 pm
Cat,
Precisely. In the end I think EQ might be a bigger factor in absolute success.
Ed,
Naku, compounded pa pala ng problema ng societal “caste”. Ang hirap tlaaga kapag cultural ang nature ng problema
18 bugsybee // May 21, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Jon, if there is something very important that my mom has left me, it is that early in my schooling, she reassured me that school life is not all about grades.
Now that I am a teacher myself, I always try to remind my students the same thing. It’s sometimes difficult to “balance” as I also have to remind them to try their best BUT life does not begin and end with a 95 or a 70.
Aanhin mo naman ang high grades mo if you are not emotionally mature?
19 BlogusVox // May 21, 2008 at 5:12 pm
This post reminds me of my formative years. My father, a retired engineer, was a consistent honor student during his school years. In my hometown, our family name is synonymous to “matalino”. People expect you to do well in school if you have that surname. Pride, I suspect, is the reason why my father wants his children to excel. Our eldest took the brunt of that pressure. Like my father, his also a consistent honor student but he also gets tongue lashing from my parents if he gets grades less than excellent.
Me, they leave me alone because I spent most of my time daydreaming. My parents consider that as a sign of “lesser intelligence”. Both my siblings went to top universities while I graduated from a state-sponsored practical hands-on oriented institution. But I’m a “take-one” board passer.
Although both my siblings have good jobs, I’m a bit more financially secure compared to them. I found good use to all that “dreaming” I used to do. Now a day, my father is singing a different tune. I overheard him saying “Yang pangalawa ko, gradweyt lang nang so and so, e bakit mas asensado. Wala sa talino yan”.
I detest that, even when praising me, he still consider me a “retard”.
20 ed villanueva // May 21, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Bugsybee,precisely aanhin mo naman ang high grades if you are not emotionally mature, I was listening internet radio talk show DWIZ in PI when they were interviewing a Filipino lawyer from America, he said that students in PI are better off in academics than in USA ,however when you talk to say a 9year old child in USA he said that they are more matured in thinking and reasoning than child of the same age in PI,He goes on to say that Educational system in USA are giving more emphasis on public relations than academic standing hmmmm…
21 palma tayona // May 26, 2008 at 12:52 am
hmmm, i can’t help but wonder what the suicide rate in korea is right now amongst these kids leading such stressful and increasingly competitive lives. i remembered in japan, they had problems with increasing suicide rates amongst their teenagers on the middle-school level. depression (a big factor in teen suicide) was high amongst kids who are preparing into the highly competitive prep schools.
i just wonder…
22 palma tayona // May 26, 2008 at 12:53 am
… “to get into” the highly competitive prep schools.
23 Jon Limjap // May 27, 2008 at 11:20 am
bugsy,
It’s fortunate that you had a mother who taught you that. Unfortunately too many parents do not even know EQ beyond the infant diaper brand.
blogusvox,
Siguro nasa kultura rin talaga ng mga Pilipino na masyadong mataas na premium ang ibinibigay sa diploma at grade. Mahilig tayo masyado sa papel. Kaya kahit na sa absolute terms eh mas successful ka naman sa kapatid mo… siya pa rin yung matalino. Hehehe.
Diyahe ano?
ed,
I think children in the states are made to face more difficult social situations much earlier. Pinoy child-rearing culture tends to treat kids as babies. They are either ignored most of the time or overly protected. And they are always treated as subordinate to each and every whim of their parents.
Kaya pagdating sa maturity vis-a-vis assertion of opinion and right, mas mabagal ang Pinoy. Pero parity pa rin pagdating sa ibang bagay.
Do note that our students finish school younger as well. Kaya minsan maghi-hit sila ng subjects na nagrerequire ng maturity (e.g., Philosophy) na hilaw pa sila. Kaya nababadtrip mga Philo teacher.
Palma,
Indeed, that’s another consequence of such high-pressure, achievement focused environments. Which is another reason I consider the way parents treat their children as abuse.
24 siu // May 27, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Glad i chanced on this post; it made me think. I just had a small argument with my wife about what school, among many good schools here in Cebu, would be best for our 9 month old first-born to go to in the future. My choice had been that school reputed to have produced such exceptional achievers. I don’t know if its true, but that’s what’s said on its billboard, too.
My wife’s very apprehensive because of the very demanding, high-pressure curriculum. I realize, going to an elite school was just a whim that I had. I grew up in a province, and schooled in a good private school. But it was always my belief that the elite schools in the city are way much better–especially during college when my classmates coming from such schools simply aced the physics test. Anyway, i guess im just thinking way too early.
25 Jon Limjap // May 27, 2008 at 2:19 pm
siu,
Are you talking about PSHS-Cebu? :p
Cross the bridge when you get there
26 Greg from Make Money Online // May 30, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Some people drive for pefection is so strong it does not seem rational. It maybe with school sports or business. It is a strong drive in some people.
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