Ang Kape Ni LaTtEX

So come the dreaded day that you’re dragged to Divisoria/the mall/tiangge/ wherever. Make sure you’re all set.

Ready? Let’s go…

Drive towards destination by taking furthest possible route and/or the route which has the most traffic. This is one of the rare times that traffic works for you: it might actually be cheaper for everyone to waste gas in crawling traffic than setting that woman in your life loose in a shopping mall.

Don’t hurry too much; you’ll not be able to park immediately anyway.

Take that trip to the gas station, preferably when the warning lights start blinking already. This would equate to more time in the station.

When you get to your destination, park at the slot which is furthest from the entrance of the establishment. This will discourage the accumulation of very heavy merchandise. If possible, let your woman go ahead.

Now here comes the most important part; preventing yourself from experiencing tianggemonium. The key to accomplishing this is to remember that your objective is to be as far as practically possible from your woman while she is shopping. This will prevent her from dragging you around, making you choose between mundanely similar consumer goods, and most importantly, free you of the obligation to be a gentleman and carry her load.

Next, plan your getaway. The best time to leave is when she’s shopping for clothes and she gets inside the fitting room. Slipping away or pretending to need to go to the bathroom works too. If you’re able to accomplish this without her noticing, you’ve succeeded!

Now have fun! Treat yourself to a cup of coffee. Watch that movie that you wanted to watch (if you’re in a mall).

Go to the sports or hobby shop and check out the latest wares. Go to the bookstore and read something. Better yet, shop for yourself!

It’s not in so much as abandoning your lady as too fleeing the scene of an ongoing henious crime (the crime is called moneyslaughter).

As for not carrying the shopping bags, well, it’s not so bad as it sounds. Women ought to be able to carry the weight of what they buy. Especially if it’s not their hard-earned money that is being spent.

Besides, if you carry her shopping bags, she might have an impression that she has not had enough yet… and she’ll just go back to looking for unnecessary stuff to fill up her “light load.”

If she texts you to come and help her, especially if it means helping her choose colors of stuff, don’t reply. If she calls you, pretend to answer “Hello” and then turn the cellfone off. Since you’re only 1 bar, you can claim that the cellphone is near-empty and dies when receiving calls or sending text.

By the time she’s done, hopefully she’s exhausted enough carrying her own baggage, and would not to be interested in shopping for more. If she says that it’s time to go, that’s the only time that you should carry some of her load.

Carry only some of the load, not all; leave most of it to her. A woman’s eyes would most likely still be wide open for bargains even while walking towards the parking lot. If she stops to look, stop and look as well; if she motions that she’ll enter the shop, go next to her, put the bags down, and then continue walking on towards the parking lot. You could also continue on ahead to the parking lot, pretending not to notice. This will deter them from taking any more detours on the way back.

Once you make it back to the car, it’s time to evaluate your success. Ask yourself if you’re exhausted from all the shopping. If you’re not exhausted and she is, congratulations! You’ve done a great job dodging tianggemonium. If you’re both not exhausted, congratulations! She’s not in the mood to shop after all. If both of you are exhausted, try harder next time, you didn’t save yourself enough trouble. If you are exhausted and she isn’t, you’re a loser. Read this series from the beginning.

Good luck, men!

Related entries:
http://kapenilattex.blogspot.com/2005/12/chauvinists-guide-to-tianggemonium-1st.html
http://kapenilattex.blogspot.com/2005/12/chauvinists-guide-to-tianggemonium-2nd.html