Last night I went home at 1 AM.
It was starting to be “normal.” For the past month I couldn’t blog or read or do much anything because of work. I’ve been going home at 9 PM the earliest, and sometimes I go home at around 2 or 3 AM. In one of those four weekends I spent my Saturday and Sunday night in the office.
I thought there wasn’t anything wrong about it. My wife Melynn has been supportive and doesn’t nag me about the fact though she complains about it once in a while. I thought it was something that “we could all get used to.” Besides, my work pattern has been like this when we were still courting. Then, overnights were “normal” to me.
But last night the matter was shoved right into my face.
As I entered the room and changed clothes, Melynn woke up, greeted me, then got up and told me to watch over CJ who was sleeping soundly on her side of the bed. She had to go to the bathroom. As she left I continued changing without turning the lights on. I didn’t want to rouse CJ.
However a few minutes later, CJ rolled over, apparently looking for her mommy. She usually notices it when mommy gets up, and that was normal, since Melynn still breastfeeds her in bed. Then, I would only have to pat her tummy or her butt and hum a lullaby to put her back to sleep. If that didn’t work, I’d pick her up and lull her in my arms. It worked a hundred times before, specially during her first six months.
So I tried patting her. It didn’t work. Her thrashing around trying to grope for mommy in the darkness only became more vigorous. Finally I decided to pick her up. That’s when things turned worse. She didn’t recognize me, and her sobs were getting louder and louder.
I decided to turn the lights on to see if the sight of her daddy carrying her would stop her from crying. As I turned on the light she squirmed with the sudden brightness, but what pained me was when she looked at me. She saw me, and looked as though she didn’t recognize me. My baby, whose signature smile always brightened my long tired day after coming home from work once I entered our front door, squealed this time. It’s as though she doesn’t know me. She squealed again, then cried harder, struggling to free herself from the arms of the “unknown” man holding her.
As the minutes drew longer and her squeals grew louder, my sister in the room beside ours and my mother both rushed to our room to see what was happening. At that same time, Melynn entered our room. Upon seeing mommy, CJ extended her hands towards her, and then quieted a bit, still sobbing while mommy, tita and lola all tried to calm her down.
My baby didn’t recognize me. That stabbed me right through the heart.
When I woke up this morning CJ was already doing her thing. She’d roll around all over the bed, waiting for mommy and daddy to get up and get her. When I said goodmorning to her, again I saw her signature smile. We played a little bit; tickling her always did wonders. She was smiling at me again. But I know that that smile will last only as long as she knows that I will be there for her.
I guess I need to work on doing that, and set my priorities straight. Perhaps it’s time to ask myself whether the price I am paying for some things I deem important are worth it.
I love you CJ. We’ll find a way to bring daddy home earlier.
7 responses so far ↓
1 ate sands // Sep 2, 2005 at 12:15 pm
nakakalungkot naman. pero hanga ako sa yo, dahil nagkaroon ka kaagad ng realisasyon pagkatapos nito. higit pa, nalaman mong kailangang balikan, at ayusin, kung kinakailangan ang mga prayoridad mo sa buhay…
good luck! regards sa inyo!
2 acousticgal28 // Sep 2, 2005 at 12:47 pm
Psst.. huy! naramdaman ko… =( God bless chong! You’re a good dad!
-lois
3 Crissy // Sep 2, 2005 at 1:12 pm
awww…:c You’re doing your job, and that’s what it takes to get it. You always have good intentions, it ends up becoming a conflict with other priorities. Sometimes, it’s beyond your control. I really do look up to you, with everything you’re going through. [-0 the smiley for praying hehe
4 JS // Sep 3, 2005 at 12:13 pm
Don’t be so hard on yourself. And give CJ some credit naman for being smart enough to recognize her pop. Maybe she didn’t like being wakened at 1 am and then have the lights turned on. Or the rest of the family coming into the room might have alarmed her.
Sometimes kids take their cue from the reactions of people around them. I’ve seen little kids bump themselves on a piece of furniture. They’re surprised, but not hurt and can’t decide whether to be upset or not so they pause with bated breath. If the mom screams they decide something bad must have happened and cry. If mom is calm, they shrug it off as no big deal and go on playing.
As long as you’re around regularly during part of her waking hours, you’re an integral part of her life, and she, of yours. If you aren’t able to tuck her in bed at night, you can still establish some other regular activity you do with her: play music to her, read to her, discuss politics with her, tell her about your day - it doesn’t matter what you talk about (but just remember there’s a little lady present so watch your language), the sound of your voice will be comforting.
It’s as much for you as for her. Babies change and grow so fast, you want to cherish each stage. They get their first tooth then that toothless smile is gone forever. (Maybe she’ll be toothless again at age 90 but toothless old ladies aren’t as cute as toothless babies.)
Enjoy your daughter! They grow up so fast!
5 cathy // Sep 4, 2005 at 7:01 am
balanced priorities- puwede kaya yon.
sometimes, it is not the quantity of time but the quality of time that you spend with your children.
At that age, the child is still close to whoever is beside her, mother, nanny or grandma.
But that would be forgotten as she grows up.
The formative years are between 2 and four when she is already aware of the family. father, mother, sister and brother.
I like blogs that discuss virtues, moral values and family issues.
Aside from politics of course. mwehehehe….
With the voice of Arnold S, this is the Cat and I say, you have just been linked.
Toinktoink
6 bugsybee // Sep 6, 2005 at 8:34 am
Hi Jon. I’m glad you’ve decided to do this. AS they say, “take time to smell the flowers”.
Though I don’t have children of my own, I am sometimes sorry that I let the years go by working my head off in school without spending more time with my nephews and nieces and it seemed like I woke up one day to find them all grown up. Same thing with my dad. I was too busy working in his terminal years when I should have taken a leave to be with him.
I realized - too late - that these years are gone forever and all I have are regrets.
So I am very very happy that you have decided to give CJ one of the best gifts that you can give her (only second to love, of course) … your time.
7 DotNET @ Kape Ni LaTtEX » Blog Archive » Is IT equal to OT? // Jan 31, 2007 at 12:55 am
[...] By the time I went back to a pure development company, I had a nagging feeling that “this ain’t right” whenever I did overtime. Having to do overtime by my second week at the job didn’t help at all. It started to adversely affect the time that I spent with my family. Even when I left that company (reasons unrelated to overtime per se) for my current employer, things didn’t change much. [...]
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